Ā鶹“«Ć½

Hey everybody. As the semester comes to a close, Iā€™d firstly like to thank you, my readers (students and faculty alike), for actually taking the time to read this blog. I know my articles can be a bit sporadic, messy, and frankly very teenager-y, but, nonetheless, I have had the utmost fun writing them.

Itā€™s also quite interesting to be approached in public, as people will recognize me and ask if Iā€™m the person from the Ā鶹“«Ć½ Bulletin. Typically, the interaction goes like this:

Person: ā€œHey, donā€™t you write a blog or something for the school?ā€

Me, knowing very well about the nonsense that Iā€™ve published onto the World Wide Web: ā€œ...who wants to know?ā€

Iā€™m kidding, Iā€™m kidding. Jokes aside, I find it very flattering that people feel comfortable walking up to me and striking up conversation. For the past couple of months, Iā€™ve decided to treat college like kindergarten: everyone is either a potential friend or an active threat to my animal crackers. Youā€™re allowed to mess around and make mistakes in order to learn. Itā€™s okay if your handwriting is scribbly. Eat french toast and French fries at the same time because the more French the better, duh (food rules donā€™t exist). Going into this semester, these were the goals I had set for myself:

1. Make friends
2. Donā€™t fail
3. Minimize the chance of mental breakdown (we only had one versus the three I had last fall semester)
4. Be the person I wanted to be when I was a kid

And I think I did a pretty good job.

I completed my research, made new friends who I absolutely adore, learned that I actually really like sweet potatoes and getting a shoulder pump in the gym, and I prefer to study in dead silence. I also learned to trust in my own decisions and see them through instead of asking for the input (but my mom is always on speed dial, lol).

Yet, I feel as though the biggest thing that Iā€™ve really solidified is being my true self. If people decide to hang out with me ā€“ a caffeine addicted, slightly insane, sleep deprived, and lowkey snarky individual ā€“they must really like something about me. (I think itā€™s the hair, being completely honest with you.) So, I guess Iā€™m stuck being myself, and if people donā€™t like that, well:

They can leave. (Okay, that sounds harsh, but give me a second.)

I used to be so clingy with people when they were leaving my life. It would always be stay, stay, stay and now Iā€™m just able to accept that people can and occasionally do leave. And maybe they come back, maybe they donā€™t ā€“ none of that is for me to decide. If Iā€™ve done something wrong, Iā€™ll do my best to repair it, but at the end of the day I donā€™t have any power over what someone chooses to do. I can only choose things for myself.

Being able to let go of things from a place of love and not negativity has been so helpful, especially with my anxiety and depression. If youā€™re able to let go of something and trust that life has your back, then things will work out for the better one way or another.

For example: I have been very, very stressed out. This had led me to be incapable of focusing on anything, being snappish, and forgetting things. In the span of 24 hours, I lost my (emotional support) water bottle and a newly-bought pair of blue light glasses, and let me tell you:

I lost it. Everything came crashing down ā€“ finals, grades, next semester, student debt, pre-existing mental illness ā€“ and everything became static. Yā€™know, that crackling blur that you got when you went to the wrong channel? Itā€™s exactly that. My brain was too loud, the world was too wrecked, and I felt as though I could do nothing about anything.

So, I called my mom, ate something good, and went from there.

Eventually, I did find my glasses; they were on the side of the road without a single scratch. As for the water bottle. itā€™s replaceable; I cannot help but be excited for all the new stickers Iā€™m going to slap onto it.

In chemistry, there is something called a ā€œmethyl shift,ā€ and it basically happens because an electronegative element wants to move to a more substituted carbon post-reaction. This depends on what a molecule is reacting with, but this isnā€™t about chemistry: this is about changing perspectives. Sometimes, you just need to follow the positive charge and find a place of stability like Bromine does. If youā€™re always on edge or reacting, you donā€™t have time to accept where you are in the present moment.

Which leads us to now.

Lately, waking up has involved a racing mind and a far too high dose of cortisol for me to handle. Today was one of the few days that I allowed myself to truly slow down and enjoy where I am in life. This involved reading about a hundred pages when I woke up, taking my vitamins, and challenging myself to keep my mind quiet instead of racing during yoga. If youā€™re always thinking about the past or future, itā€™s impossible to truly stay present ā€“ and that can make it extremely difficult to focus or stay on task. So, I encourage all of you to slow down and truly look into the quality of what youā€™re doing. Yeah, you can study ten chapters in one day, but how well are you really going to retain that information? Similar to paint, knowledge takes time to ā€˜dryā€™ before you can add another layer.

I should put that on a mug, dear God. [Takes obligatory coffee sip].

Anyhow, before I get too side-tracked, this article is supposed to be a self-reflection of sorts. While I have given some version of a reflection, itā€™s not as in-depth as Iā€™d like it to be. I feel as though if thereā€™s anything I pride or compliment myself on it would have to be the level of transparency I have with this blog. Telling a bunch of strangers your mental health status and stress levels can be a little nerve-wracking, as people could potentially use that information against me. But you know what? Who cares? Who actually cares? Iā€™m a human being, and god forbid that I withhold that humanity that I know all of us carry. The reason why I write this blog is to show people that they are not alone in their struggle of being an everyday human being, whether that be as a student, as faculty, or even parents (someone told me their mom read my blog).

Itā€™s okay to feel, first and foremost ā€“ and probably forever. I donā€™t typically do this ā€“ and itā€™s nerve wracking, considering that this will go onto the internet ā€“ but here are a few of my vulnerabilities so that you may not feel alone or ashamed of in yours.

1. What are you insecure about? Why?
• My body, especially my tummy. Ever since I was a kid, Iā€™ve definitely been on the chubbier side. While Iā€™m a lot more fit, I do have some loose skin here and there. However, itā€™s not just the physical aspect of myself that I wrinkle my nose at, itā€™s what it is caused. Elementary school kids are mean, and they will discriminate against you for really dumb reasons. In school, people didnā€™t want to be friends with me because I was the fat kid. I had a Dora the Explorer haircut, I was shy, and, frankly, I believed too much in fairies than division.
  While itā€™s still a work in progress, Iā€™m slowly becoming more comfortable with myself. The gym is a great help, as well as majoring in nutrition. Itā€™s almost impossible to describe how truly magical the both of them can be, as well as becoming more aware of what your body likes and doesnā€™t like. Being present in your physical, mental, and emotional health can truly lead you to some great healing. On the opposite spectrum, sometimes I feel pressured that I must go to the gym to achieve some body type or to stay ā€œtrueā€ to the information that Iā€™ve published on the blog, which is a bunch of buttersnuffles when you look at it in the grand scheme of things. Who cares if you go to the gym? The only person who should care about what youā€™re doing is you. This is your life, man, and donā€™t let anything stop you from achieving the best of it.
2. What is the number one thing that you do when youā€™re upset? Why?
• I hide. The best analogy I can think of is a vein retracting into a muscle in order to evade an incoming needle. I will isolate myself, cover my body in baggy clothes in order to hide my physical form, and pretend that the world doesnā€™t exist. I feel as though I do this because I donā€™t want anyone to see me vulnerable (I have a very ugly crying face that only so many have seen), or just know that Iā€™m not this impenetrable rock of intellectual wit. I just donā€™t want to be seen when Iā€™m upset because I donā€™t feel as though thatā€™s something anyone should see.
• However, if I am pushed and shoved and bothered enough, whoever is at the receiving end of my wrath isnā€™t going to have a pleasant time. Typically, I donā€™t get ā€˜mad.ā€™ I just become so increasingly annoyed with something that Iā€™ll just snap. Iā€™ve only seen ā€˜redā€™ once, but let me tell you: itā€™s as addicting as it is horrifying. You become animalistic; nothing matters to you, and all you want to do is destroy, wreck, and ruin everything around you until you are met with the mortifying realization that you have perhaps destroyed something that you love, and likewise, loved you back. (Itā€™s easiest to hurt your loved ones because of their care for you. Itā€™s easy to manipulate that care like hot glass: you can meld and twist it into any shape you want, but once itā€™s hardened, it will break if handled too roughly). The best you can do is apologize, explain yourself, and work to be a better person. Thatā€™s all we really can do anyways.
3. When was the first time you doubted yourself?
• Out of all the memories I am made of, the first time I ever truly doubted myself truly was when I took part in an art competition. I won first place, but I was so uncertain if Iā€™d actually win because I didnā€™t know if my skill was ā€˜good enough.ā€™ Since then, Iā€™ve doubted myself countless times in varying ways (especially in regards to school, though). The best way to overcome doubt, in my experience, is by doing. Doubt often stops us from moving forward, and, as a result, the best way to combat it is by doing the thing we think we arenā€™t capable of. Sometimes, we are only able to believe in ourselves when we try, and itā€™s when we scratch the surface of that capability that weā€™re given the confidence to push through.

To my readers, thank you for the confidence to put these vulnerabilities of mine out there. (It was actually quite therapeutic to write all of them out.) If any of you feel compelled to do so, feel free to hop onto Pinterest or Google and look at some self-development prompts; maybe theyā€™ll help clarify things for you, too. Vulnerability in the modern world can be very hard to take place in and accept as an integral part of being human, but remember that vulnerability can only grow in places where trust flourishes. If youā€™re afraid of telling someone something because you fear their judgment, I gently encourage you to trust in their love for you (whether that love be romantic, platonic, or otherwise) because if they do love you to some degree, then I truly doubt they will judge you as horrifically as your mind may be.

There are some things, though, that will and should be judged ā€“ pineapple pizza and murder are good ones to start with, to name a few.

Anyhow, before any of this gets too dark, take some time this holiday season to evaluate how far youā€™ve come. What are some of the things you did? Are you proud of them? What areas of your life do you think you could improve in? What areas are you satisfied with? Are you kind to yourself? Are you kind to the world around you?

I hope all of you are having a fantastic start-of-break or end of finals, and that the holidays are spent with loved ones by doing the things you love. Take all the time you need for yourself, and remember that healing and growth are never linear. Thank you for reading my silly little blog, and Iā€™ll see you all next semester. If anyone has questions, comments, or just needs to let some stuff out, feel free to email me at BGlav1@unh.newhaven.edu or my personal email, beatriceg2022@gmail.com.

I am endlessly proud of you.

Good luck, and as always, peace, love, and all the peanut butter.
Your blogger,
Beatrice

Beatrice Glaviano ā€™26 is a nutrition sciences major at the University of New Haven.